Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Same-Sign Dating (for Librans Only)

While reading a lecture about the paradox of choice and thinking about how too much variety actually leaves many of us feeling anxious both during and after the choice-making process, it made me realize that you should never date a Libra. They will always wonder if they made the right choice, so unless you have a really strong sense of your own self-worth and don't really give a crap what your partner thinks, you're going to be left feeling tres unappreciated for all your wonderfulness. And that's bad. Therefore, my solution is to only allow Librans to date other Librans. It's only fair - to the rest of us. In fact, to ensure that the new system be kept into place, I think we should move all Librans to an island somewhere and make them live separately from the rest of society. They're annoying anyways. Now, if you're a Libra and you're wondering if I am including you in this, just ask yourself, "Did I get a present for my birthday? Did I even get a card?" See, if I know you're a Libra, then I know that I most certainly did NOT give you a present because I find nothing celebratory about your existence. Now, you might think that's a little harsh, but that's what prejudice is, now isn't it? Librans go home!!

I was also thinking about how much I hate making choices...so much so that by the time I actually decide to make one, I don't have any more options left. Like now. I am at an all-time low, people. My money magnet is malfunctioning and, by 2008, the prediction is that the Lending Tree will need to find me a hefty personal loan to get me through the bleak winter days ahead. I have an interest-free credit card to get me through the current bleak winter days, but I have to start planning for the future now. It isn't being broke that makes this an all-time low; I mean, I have been in debt since two masters degrees ago. I think, however, that I may have to move in with my mother. That's right. Move back home and have my maternal creator help me out. This is bad for my self-esteem, people. Very, very bad. Now, I would have asked a friend for the money, but then I realized that all my friends are just as broke as I am and so it made me realize that I am definitely hanging out with the wrong people. I hate to say this, but you're all going to have to go now. I need wealthier friends. Pleeeease don't take it personally, it's just that like attracts like in these kinds of situations. So, unless one of you is going to strike it rich sometime in the very near future, I think we need to say our good-byes, choose our memories wisely, and then scatter like roaches caught by a beam of light at night. And hey, I promise that when I get my magnet working properly, I'll come back for you. I really will. I love you. [That last comment was not intended for Librans.]

You know, I was also reading a lecture about how plants attract friendly insects to protect them from harmful plant-eating insects. Okay, look, I read a lot of lectures because that's part of my job, okay? Anyhow, the lecturer was saying how grapevines, when being attacked by spider mites, emit a chemical compound that attracts ladybugs who come and eat the mites thereby protecting the plant. The lecturer was saying how great this was, in effect, because it's such a mutually beneficial system for plants and insects. My question is this, "How do you think the spider mites feel about this little system of theirs?" I bet they don't find it mutually beneficial. See, people? I am not the only one that's prejudiced. Spider mites deserve to eat, too!
[I think that's a bumper sticker waiting to happen.] Ah, maybe it's just Karma. The spider mites were probably born in late September or early October.

Do you know what's odd? I have become terrified. Something happened to me in Korea that I had never experienced before -a feeling of being alone that was unbearable. Never before in my life had I experienced that depth of loneliness. I felt completely disconnected to who and what was around me. It was like being dead. Can you be a functional dead person? You know, like a functional alcoholic? I mean, I know that I was sick. I have never been sicker in my life. And I know it was Asia. And I know that I was surrounded by Libras. And I know that I had jobs that were unhealthy. But even now, Libra-free, back in the familiar Western world, working in my Pj's from home, and gradually regaining my health, I am butt terrified. Shaking most days, in fact. All the trust I had in myself and in others has truly been put to the test. And, to be honest with you, I don't know if I am going to pass.

Oh a happier note: laaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Talk to you later,

Ima D. Pu

1 comment:

heddahop said...

now now you don't really hate all Librans now do you?? Cause you know I am a Libra.... I thought we were friends...

Yes I do read this from time to time!! Checking up on how you are doing!
Heather