Do you remember when I was talking about getting what you focus on-whether it be sickness, poverty, success, a man that brushes his teeth, etc...? 'Member? I told you and the universe I was a money magnet. Ring any bells? Well, I haven't had any hundreds flying out of nowhere and planting themselves onto my well fit body...yet. However, I have not given up hope. In fact, according to Doreen Banaszak, the author of Excuse Me, Your Life is Now: Mastering the Law of Attraction, I need to live as if I have a ton o' money. When I make purchases and pay bills, I must follow it up with telling myself, the universe, and possibly the people in line behind me at the checkout counter and/or the poor sap working in the bill collection department, that I am grateful to have more than enough money to pay for my purchase and my bills. So, without bothering the people in line and the poor sap, I do this.
In fact, I did this just yesterday when I decided that I was going to go to Cancun with my friend, E., in December, a week before Christmas. High season, people! At first, I panicked about the fact that I was living on borrowed time - financially speaking - and that I was, in fact, mostly unemployed and have some hefty school loans to pay off each month (as well as rent for my shed). But then, I thought about Doreen and her brilliant advice and I bought those tickets, damn it! Screw sensibility and practicality. I am alive now and while I can still move around without a walker, I am going to make the best of it - I am going to live!! Praise the Dali Lama, I am going to live, people! Besides, I am grateful to have more than enough money to pay for my purchase and my bills. You must remember, people, that Ima money magnet!!
In addition to this, I keep telling the universe that I have a creative and playful job, blah, blah, blah. And so, what happens? This job, where I would be working with KIDS, tries to get me to come in for an interview. They already tried this a couple of months back and I didn't go then, so why would I go now? KIDS! Don't they drool and have germs? Cooties? Bad manners? Oh, no, that's right, those are the people at my gym. In any case, I try to get out of it. I tell them I have no certification (and I know for a fact that the job requires certification). "No problem," they say. Then, they want me to bring a portfolio of my work. Ha ha ha. I don't have a portfolio - give me a break - portfolios are for people that went to school to teach KIDS. [Don't look at me!!!? I don't know what they're thinking.] So, I tell them that I don't have a portfolio because I never needed one to work with adults. "No problem," they tell me again. Apparently, I don't need one. So, then I ask when the start date is. They tell me it starts A.S.A.P. Ha. I tell them that I can't possibly start right away. And what did they say? Yep, you guessed it. "No problem." They can wait. Aren't they just so accommodating? Now, I just can't get them off my back, so I say, "I can't make the interview date - it's too soon and I have to work (online)." They beg me, people. They tell me that I am a very strong candidate in such a way that I can hear them winking at me over the phone. Whyyyyyy oh whyyyy? I am not qualified, I am not eager, and it's obvious by now that I am not even trying. So, what happens next? I give in and agree to make the nearly two-hour drive north (a.k.a snow boots and electric blanket territory) for an interview for a job I don't even want. Why? For the same reason I went on my non-date date when I had the squirts. Because I feel like it's a symbolic move more than anything else. Any move in any direction is better than not moving at all, right? And, we all know, that I have to move on now. This grieving and healing period is getting old. I am getting old (as evidenced by the whiskers on my chin). But don't be fooled, people. It is only symbolic - in both cases. Unless either one of them - the non-date date - or the job I don't want - offers me a ton o' money, I ain't biting. It isn't my dream and I am tired of - no - not tired of, but tired from - not following my dreams. Didn't you ever read, The Alchemist?
So what is my dream? To sell music, sing, and make a children's album. That's right, I want to make music for drooling, cootie carriers. Got a problem with that? I also want to write a best selling novel and sell several written pieces - [my latest submission is about growing up with a voyeuristic parent. A bit of nonfiction, actually. I will let you know when it gets published. And I get paid. Don't worry about the parent - he's dead].
Are you tired of me yet? Me too.
I am rubbered out.
I'll see you around in the square.
Ima B. Cupp
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Have a Nice Day a.k.a. Hoodilyhoodydoo
Today as I was running around, I came across a wide spectrum of folks that greeted (or didn't greet) me or who responded (or didn't respond) to my greeting. It's interesting TO ME because I think it's silly to say something that you don't really mean. When I say "mean" I am talking about standing behind your words 90-100%. I want honesty, people! For example, when checkout girl #1 says, "Have a nice day," to me as she looks away and starts to ring up the customer behind me, I find it difficult to believe that she falls anywhere near the aforementioned range. I am guessing that she doesn't give half a buttock whether or not I have a nice day or not - she just has to say it. For me, personally, it's insulting. I would rather she didn't. Now checkout girl #2 says, "Have a nice day," while looking at me and with a smile on her face. And you know what? I think she wouldn't mind at all if I did actually have one. She might not care as much as I would like her to care, but she is making an effort. At least she has a percentage.
This has become an issue on my new jogging trail, as well. There are several people I come across on this trail, daily (Yes, that's right, people, I exercise every day - do you? Well, why don't you get off your fat ass and quit your job like I did then? Jeesh.). It's generally polite to say something when you pass someone on a trail, right? You acknowledge that you aren't the only person on the face of the earth, regardless of how self-centered you may actually be. You also have this bond with strangers in that you are both outside in this beautiful place. It's almost celebratory to greet someone under these circumstances. And I don't care if it's, "Hoodilyhoodyhoo," or "I like Pepsi." Personally, I just stick with with, "Hi". It's quick and to the point. But, today, as I was running, I passed a woman and I said, well, you know what I said, and she curtly pushed out a "Hi" of her own. It was clear, however, that she only said it because I said it, and it was obvious by her down turned lips that she didn't have her heart in it. So, what a dilemma. I mean, if she hadn't said, "Hi" then I would have felt totally slighted for a moment. I would have bounced back eventually, but I would have felt a trifle sad for a bit. But, her, "Hi" was only perfunctory. She was NOT behind her, "Hi". So, which is worse? The mostly false greeting with about 3.4 % sincerity behind it or the more honest absence of a greeting altogether? I just don't know.
Sometimes when I am running, people don't say hello to me. It really doesn't bother me. I just figure that they probably don't speak English, because only a small percentage of people around here do (even though they are American). Or, I think, maybe they're deaf and can't hear me when I say, "I like Pepsi." Most of the time, I am convinced that they are either sad, angry, or just hate my guts.
Then there's the people that pass me with such glee and excitement that they greet me with their own personal monologue. Their faces are all lit up with such affirming life energy that I have to move away from them for fear they will explode all over my new sneakers. But let me tell you something about these creatures. They make me feel goooood. They make me feel riiiight. They make me feel loooooved. And at the same time, they make me feel inferiooooor because by the time my high has worn off, I am berating myself for not being more...like them. Why aren't I more cheerful? Why don't I have a halo, damn it? I only dropped acid like four or five times in my life. Do I need to be punished one more day? I think not. I want my damn halo!
So, what's the conclusion? No, really, what's the conclusion? I am still working on this, myself. In fact, I am probably talking to myself about it right now, aren't I? Oh, the life of a lonely blogger.
Well, hoodilyhoodydoo to you, too.
Ima D. Oderint
This has become an issue on my new jogging trail, as well. There are several people I come across on this trail, daily (Yes, that's right, people, I exercise every day - do you? Well, why don't you get off your fat ass and quit your job like I did then? Jeesh.). It's generally polite to say something when you pass someone on a trail, right? You acknowledge that you aren't the only person on the face of the earth, regardless of how self-centered you may actually be. You also have this bond with strangers in that you are both outside in this beautiful place. It's almost celebratory to greet someone under these circumstances. And I don't care if it's, "Hoodilyhoodyhoo," or "I like Pepsi." Personally, I just stick with with, "Hi". It's quick and to the point. But, today, as I was running, I passed a woman and I said, well, you know what I said, and she curtly pushed out a "Hi" of her own. It was clear, however, that she only said it because I said it, and it was obvious by her down turned lips that she didn't have her heart in it. So, what a dilemma. I mean, if she hadn't said, "Hi" then I would have felt totally slighted for a moment. I would have bounced back eventually, but I would have felt a trifle sad for a bit. But, her, "Hi" was only perfunctory. She was NOT behind her, "Hi". So, which is worse? The mostly false greeting with about 3.4 % sincerity behind it or the more honest absence of a greeting altogether? I just don't know.
Sometimes when I am running, people don't say hello to me. It really doesn't bother me. I just figure that they probably don't speak English, because only a small percentage of people around here do (even though they are American). Or, I think, maybe they're deaf and can't hear me when I say, "I like Pepsi." Most of the time, I am convinced that they are either sad, angry, or just hate my guts.
Then there's the people that pass me with such glee and excitement that they greet me with their own personal monologue. Their faces are all lit up with such affirming life energy that I have to move away from them for fear they will explode all over my new sneakers. But let me tell you something about these creatures. They make me feel goooood. They make me feel riiiight. They make me feel loooooved. And at the same time, they make me feel inferiooooor because by the time my high has worn off, I am berating myself for not being more...like them. Why aren't I more cheerful? Why don't I have a halo, damn it? I only dropped acid like four or five times in my life. Do I need to be punished one more day? I think not. I want my damn halo!
So, what's the conclusion? No, really, what's the conclusion? I am still working on this, myself. In fact, I am probably talking to myself about it right now, aren't I? Oh, the life of a lonely blogger.
Well, hoodilyhoodydoo to you, too.
Ima D. Oderint
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Hershey Squirts and the Art of Not Forgiving
I didn't get to the studio.
I almost missed my non-date date.
I had to put Project Hot Body on hold for a few days.
"Why?" you ask. Because I had an intestinal/stomach virus that was so fierce that it caused me to rid myself of food that I hadn't even eaten yet. It also made me so sleepy and depressed - damn, people, damn! I experienced an outburst of rage that almost knocked the house down. I think it was spending so much of my free time on the toilet that did it. It just pushed me over the edge! And I was flipping pissed off, people! I wasn't irrational. I was angry. And I had an epiphany. Are you ready?
"Some things just can't be forgiven." Period. [Well, I guess I already put the period in, but I am trying to be more dramatic. I hope you don't mind. Like I care, huh?]
It doesn't mean that you carry around anger for the rest of your life - you let it out- as I did, trying not to hurt any plants or animals in the process, and then you move on. But you do not have to forgive. You just don't. You can let it go and rid your mind and heart of it, you can push yourself to the point where you just don't give a sh*# about it anymore, but you don't have to forgive. At least I don't. And I feel better accepting the fact that I am not going to forgive than I did when I was forcing myself to try. I couldn't cross the finish line. So what? It feels better on the bench where I can pretend that I can eat hot sausage sandwiches and drink beer. Seriously, kids, I really feel freed by this emotionally incorrect realization. Dead self-help writers are rolling over in their graves, I suppose, but all I can say is, "Woohwee!"
And if you have been struggling with not being able to forgive and you have made yourself sick with guilt over it - then come join me in my freedom. Say, "I don't forgive you and I am okay with that." That's right. Come on now, everyone. "I don't forgive you and I am okay with that!" Think of that one person you just can't forgive because, let's face it, he or she is probably an ass. But, whether sweet or sour, the fact is, you probably can't trust that person now and that is enough reason, moooooore than enough reason, actually, to not forgive them. Why should you? "Should"s need to be stuffed down the garbage disposal along with anyone over the age of six that still uses baby talk [It's right up there with fingernails being scraped down a chalkboard, people!].
Look, I am not saying that you shouldn't forgive if you can. It would be nice. But, it would also be nice to give yourself a break and let it be. If you keep trying to forgive, then you are continually focusing on it, right? And if you are going to focus on being hurt repeatedly, then you are just hurting yourself. You don't deserve that. So, if you feel better once you allow yourself to feel what you feel [aka not forgive at this time], then you are more likely to really be able to let go of it. It makes some sense, doesn't it? Well, I feel better, anyways.
You know, I was watching a movie with my aunt and uncle last night and this little girl was upset with her father for lying to her and getting a divorce from her mother. She was saying all the things I had just said in my last email to Stephen (yes, in my rage I cheated and made contact and told him that I was not going to forgive him and that I didn't care if I ever spoke to him again - which is, believe it or not, true). Now, this little girl was going on and on and saying that her father was a liar because he told her, and it wasn't wise to do so, that her parents would never get a divorce. She said he was a liar because he told her everything would get better, but it didn't. She told him that she hated him. Blah blah blah. I am telling you people, it was almost word for word my own script. I informed my aunt that this girl was practically reading my last email. She looked at me and then the television set and said, "Yeah, but, she's nine years old." Hmmm...point well taken. And yet, I feel incredibly good now. Go figure?
So, to all my homefries out there, do you what you can to forgive, but if you can't, that's okay, too. Whether you choose to forgive or not to forgive please don't use baby talk when you do it, okay? Thanks.
Stay healthy,
Ima B. Emm
I almost missed my non-date date.
I had to put Project Hot Body on hold for a few days.
"Why?" you ask. Because I had an intestinal/stomach virus that was so fierce that it caused me to rid myself of food that I hadn't even eaten yet. It also made me so sleepy and depressed - damn, people, damn! I experienced an outburst of rage that almost knocked the house down. I think it was spending so much of my free time on the toilet that did it. It just pushed me over the edge! And I was flipping pissed off, people! I wasn't irrational. I was angry. And I had an epiphany. Are you ready?
"Some things just can't be forgiven." Period. [Well, I guess I already put the period in, but I am trying to be more dramatic. I hope you don't mind. Like I care, huh?]
It doesn't mean that you carry around anger for the rest of your life - you let it out- as I did, trying not to hurt any plants or animals in the process, and then you move on. But you do not have to forgive. You just don't. You can let it go and rid your mind and heart of it, you can push yourself to the point where you just don't give a sh*# about it anymore, but you don't have to forgive. At least I don't. And I feel better accepting the fact that I am not going to forgive than I did when I was forcing myself to try. I couldn't cross the finish line. So what? It feels better on the bench where I can pretend that I can eat hot sausage sandwiches and drink beer. Seriously, kids, I really feel freed by this emotionally incorrect realization. Dead self-help writers are rolling over in their graves, I suppose, but all I can say is, "Woohwee!"
And if you have been struggling with not being able to forgive and you have made yourself sick with guilt over it - then come join me in my freedom. Say, "I don't forgive you and I am okay with that." That's right. Come on now, everyone. "I don't forgive you and I am okay with that!" Think of that one person you just can't forgive because, let's face it, he or she is probably an ass. But, whether sweet or sour, the fact is, you probably can't trust that person now and that is enough reason, moooooore than enough reason, actually, to not forgive them. Why should you? "Should"s need to be stuffed down the garbage disposal along with anyone over the age of six that still uses baby talk [It's right up there with fingernails being scraped down a chalkboard, people!].
Look, I am not saying that you shouldn't forgive if you can. It would be nice. But, it would also be nice to give yourself a break and let it be. If you keep trying to forgive, then you are continually focusing on it, right? And if you are going to focus on being hurt repeatedly, then you are just hurting yourself. You don't deserve that. So, if you feel better once you allow yourself to feel what you feel [aka not forgive at this time], then you are more likely to really be able to let go of it. It makes some sense, doesn't it? Well, I feel better, anyways.
You know, I was watching a movie with my aunt and uncle last night and this little girl was upset with her father for lying to her and getting a divorce from her mother. She was saying all the things I had just said in my last email to Stephen (yes, in my rage I cheated and made contact and told him that I was not going to forgive him and that I didn't care if I ever spoke to him again - which is, believe it or not, true). Now, this little girl was going on and on and saying that her father was a liar because he told her, and it wasn't wise to do so, that her parents would never get a divorce. She said he was a liar because he told her everything would get better, but it didn't. She told him that she hated him. Blah blah blah. I am telling you people, it was almost word for word my own script. I informed my aunt that this girl was practically reading my last email. She looked at me and then the television set and said, "Yeah, but, she's nine years old." Hmmm...point well taken. And yet, I feel incredibly good now. Go figure?
So, to all my homefries out there, do you what you can to forgive, but if you can't, that's okay, too. Whether you choose to forgive or not to forgive please don't use baby talk when you do it, okay? Thanks.
Stay healthy,
Ima B. Emm
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The Cost of Snoring? About $32.50
I went to a Reiki practitioner today. I didn't really know what to expect, but I shelled out some cash for it. I thought, "It couldn't hurt". And it didn't. All that really happened was that, as he passed his hands over my body, his hands got extremely hot when he was over my heart and my stomach! The heat penetrated my jeans and my sweatshirt. I supposed that I paid to be energetically violated.
There was only one point where I felt uncomfortable. He was seated behind me while I was lying on the massage table and he put his hands on my clavicle and under my neck. I could hear him breathing. At first he took a couple of deep semi-quiet breaths. Then he began to breath even more loudly with each breath. Then he began SNORING, people!! My practitioner fell asleep on me! Apparently, he had done more people than usual in one day. Great. He wasn't your typical energy worker, either. I mean, he looks like his tattooed body, bald head, and goatee came riding in on a Harley singing "YMCA". Maybe he did. I don't really know. All I do know is that HE FELL ASLEEP on me.
When it was over he mentioned that he felt that I got a lot of healing after he woke up and got his second wind. I reminded him that I paid for the first wind, too. He tried to make up for it by claiming that I had gotten a great deal of healing today. This was supposedly demonstrated by the large amount of heat that I sucked out of his body. I suppose he thinks it's my fault he fell asleep then - being all greedy and hogging all his fire. I guess I am just lucky that he didn't charge me extra.
Will I go back? I doubt it. I can probably find someone else's energy to suck for free. Do I feel better? Well, due to the recent launching of Project Hot Body, I couldn't walk straight or lift my arms when I entered the office, but now I can. Does that mean anything? How the heck should I know? I am just glad that I walk like a virgin, again.
Tomorrow is my first post break-up date. Wow. Scary.
Oh, and I finally faced some of my fears and, on Thursday, I am going into the studio to record some of my songs. Wish me luck. Or don't. I don't care. I don't really need you anyways. I just want you. I want every last piece of you!
Yours,
Ima Q. Minn
There was only one point where I felt uncomfortable. He was seated behind me while I was lying on the massage table and he put his hands on my clavicle and under my neck. I could hear him breathing. At first he took a couple of deep semi-quiet breaths. Then he began to breath even more loudly with each breath. Then he began SNORING, people!! My practitioner fell asleep on me! Apparently, he had done more people than usual in one day. Great. He wasn't your typical energy worker, either. I mean, he looks like his tattooed body, bald head, and goatee came riding in on a Harley singing "YMCA". Maybe he did. I don't really know. All I do know is that HE FELL ASLEEP on me.
When it was over he mentioned that he felt that I got a lot of healing after he woke up and got his second wind. I reminded him that I paid for the first wind, too. He tried to make up for it by claiming that I had gotten a great deal of healing today. This was supposedly demonstrated by the large amount of heat that I sucked out of his body. I suppose he thinks it's my fault he fell asleep then - being all greedy and hogging all his fire. I guess I am just lucky that he didn't charge me extra.
Will I go back? I doubt it. I can probably find someone else's energy to suck for free. Do I feel better? Well, due to the recent launching of Project Hot Body, I couldn't walk straight or lift my arms when I entered the office, but now I can. Does that mean anything? How the heck should I know? I am just glad that I walk like a virgin, again.
Tomorrow is my first post break-up date. Wow. Scary.
Oh, and I finally faced some of my fears and, on Thursday, I am going into the studio to record some of my songs. Wish me luck. Or don't. I don't care. I don't really need you anyways. I just want you. I want every last piece of you!
Yours,
Ima Q. Minn
Saturday, October 6, 2007
C'mon, You, Get Happy!
This is what I heard in my head this morning on the way to the gym:
Hello, world, here's the song that we’re singin’
C’mon get happeee!
A whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’
We’ll make you happeee!
We had a dream, we’d go travelin’ together,
We’d spread a little lovin’ then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together
We get a happy feelin’ when we’re singing a song.
Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’
C’mon get happeee!
A Whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’
We’ll make you happeee!
The Partridge Family!!! Ooohwee, that Keith was HOT, was he not?
And what's all this stuff about being happy? What happened to waking up with Kurt Cobain in my head? Could it be true? Am I finally ready to handle moving on? And is the Partridge Family theme song from seasons 2-4 the typical welcoming song for such an occasion? Wow! Who knew? You? Well, why didn't you tell me?
I think I may finally have my body back - no longer possessed by overdoses of hormones and gut wrenching heartache. I think...dare I say it? Well, I think, just maybe, the storm has passed. Mmhmm. I think that it's time to rebuild the barn, people. I may need some help from the universe and handful of narcotics, but it will get done! Oh yes, it will get done.
It's kind of funny that I feel better today (I only cried two times over "he who shall not be mentioned" and each episode only lasted one minute - hey, hey, who's moving on??? That's right! Pretty soon, I will only be shedding a half tear once a week). You see, yesterday was a complete disaster! I was really off my game. It's a miracle that I didn't burn the house down. I actually burned a hole in my aunt's feather bed comforter. Don't ask! Really, don't ask! I mean, in college, Geri always dried her socks in the microwave and she never set anything on fire! But anyways, after that debacle, I called my aunt to confess and to find out where to order a new one. Feeling tres stupid and guilty, I started to clean the house. I vacuumed, washed their dishes, picked the fleas off the dog, and then started to dust. It only took seconds for me and my Pledge dust cloth to knock over and break a gift ceramic coaster. I called my aunt again to let her know that I was slowly destroying her home. She told me to stop dusting and thought it best if I didn't do any cooking. I decided to leave the house so that I could do no more harm. I thought I was safe once I returned home, sleepy and ready for bed. But, unfortunately, despite my fatigue, I couldn't sleep, so at about 1:30 am, I got up and went to the fridge for some almond butter and honey. This morning, when I got up, I found that the refrigerator door had been left open BY ME and the light inside warmed the food to the point where all of their perishables perished. On the upside, nobody noticed that I had left the heating pad on all day and the fridge is really clean now.
Toot Toot... Ahhh... Beep Beep...non sequitur approaching!!
Question: Which is more annoying - dogs barking or people yelling at the dogs who are barking? If they don't want them to bark (and I don't), then why don't they remove their voice boxes? People with skunks get their stinky old glands removed or something, don't they? Skunks rock, BTW. I think they're beautiful and I like the faint smell of their spray. I do!! It's right up there two-day old urine. A good whiff of either one brings back so many positive childhood memories. Soooo many.
Well, I am on a Pollyanna journey, my friends. I am going to manifest my destiny. According to several authors who have made money off of me and people like me, it is time to only speak positively. There is no more talk of things of which I do not wish to receive. I only speak of that which I do wish to receive. Oh, no, not wish to receive, but intend to receive. That's right. It's my turn now, people. I intend to create it all - the job, the man, the home, the success, the health, and oh - ho, ho, you can bet that project hot body is back on the agenda as well!! Let's do this together, shall we? Let's just say what we want, I mean, intend to create for our lives, and pretend it's true now. I'll go first:
I am a money magnet!
Your turn.
Speaking of which, I have to work on my positive life scripts. You see, it makes sense. If we say what we don't want or we focus on something negative, we bring it into our lives. I said that I did NOT want to work in TESOL, live in Upstate NY, and/or work 40 hours inside a building...and what happened? A 40-hour a week TESOL job in Upstate, NY appeared that very night on my job posting site. I focused on it and it appeared. So, don't think about what you don't like in your life or you don't want in your life. That will only make it happen. Also, if you say you need something, you are focusing on that need and so you never get it. Take starving people, for example, if they keep saying that they need food, then they are creating that constant need for food. See? If they had read the books I read, then they would know that they should stop scrounging for food and start saying, "I have an abundance of food," and then let the universe bring it to them. If they only understood this, they would be fine. So, we don't need to send starving children food, we need to send them these books so that they can manifest their destiny, people! Now who's with me?
No? No one? Not happening?
Well, so be it. I am off to bed then.
Yours truly,
Ima Shell Fisch
Hello, world, here's the song that we’re singin’
C’mon get happeee!
A whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’
We’ll make you happeee!
We had a dream, we’d go travelin’ together,
We’d spread a little lovin’ then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together
We get a happy feelin’ when we’re singing a song.
Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’
C’mon get happeee!
A Whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’
We’ll make you happeee!
The Partridge Family!!! Ooohwee, that Keith was HOT, was he not?
And what's all this stuff about being happy? What happened to waking up with Kurt Cobain in my head? Could it be true? Am I finally ready to handle moving on? And is the Partridge Family theme song from seasons 2-4 the typical welcoming song for such an occasion? Wow! Who knew? You? Well, why didn't you tell me?
I think I may finally have my body back - no longer possessed by overdoses of hormones and gut wrenching heartache. I think...dare I say it? Well, I think, just maybe, the storm has passed. Mmhmm. I think that it's time to rebuild the barn, people. I may need some help from the universe and handful of narcotics, but it will get done! Oh yes, it will get done.
It's kind of funny that I feel better today (I only cried two times over "he who shall not be mentioned" and each episode only lasted one minute - hey, hey, who's moving on??? That's right! Pretty soon, I will only be shedding a half tear once a week). You see, yesterday was a complete disaster! I was really off my game. It's a miracle that I didn't burn the house down. I actually burned a hole in my aunt's feather bed comforter. Don't ask! Really, don't ask! I mean, in college, Geri always dried her socks in the microwave and she never set anything on fire! But anyways, after that debacle, I called my aunt to confess and to find out where to order a new one. Feeling tres stupid and guilty, I started to clean the house. I vacuumed, washed their dishes, picked the fleas off the dog, and then started to dust. It only took seconds for me and my Pledge dust cloth to knock over and break a gift ceramic coaster. I called my aunt again to let her know that I was slowly destroying her home. She told me to stop dusting and thought it best if I didn't do any cooking. I decided to leave the house so that I could do no more harm. I thought I was safe once I returned home, sleepy and ready for bed. But, unfortunately, despite my fatigue, I couldn't sleep, so at about 1:30 am, I got up and went to the fridge for some almond butter and honey. This morning, when I got up, I found that the refrigerator door had been left open BY ME and the light inside warmed the food to the point where all of their perishables perished. On the upside, nobody noticed that I had left the heating pad on all day and the fridge is really clean now.
Toot Toot... Ahhh... Beep Beep...non sequitur approaching!!
Question: Which is more annoying - dogs barking or people yelling at the dogs who are barking? If they don't want them to bark (and I don't), then why don't they remove their voice boxes? People with skunks get their stinky old glands removed or something, don't they? Skunks rock, BTW. I think they're beautiful and I like the faint smell of their spray. I do!! It's right up there two-day old urine. A good whiff of either one brings back so many positive childhood memories. Soooo many.
Well, I am on a Pollyanna journey, my friends. I am going to manifest my destiny. According to several authors who have made money off of me and people like me, it is time to only speak positively. There is no more talk of things of which I do not wish to receive. I only speak of that which I do wish to receive. Oh, no, not wish to receive, but intend to receive. That's right. It's my turn now, people. I intend to create it all - the job, the man, the home, the success, the health, and oh - ho, ho, you can bet that project hot body is back on the agenda as well!! Let's do this together, shall we? Let's just say what we want, I mean, intend to create for our lives, and pretend it's true now. I'll go first:
I am a money magnet!
Your turn.
Speaking of which, I have to work on my positive life scripts. You see, it makes sense. If we say what we don't want or we focus on something negative, we bring it into our lives. I said that I did NOT want to work in TESOL, live in Upstate NY, and/or work 40 hours inside a building...and what happened? A 40-hour a week TESOL job in Upstate, NY appeared that very night on my job posting site. I focused on it and it appeared. So, don't think about what you don't like in your life or you don't want in your life. That will only make it happen. Also, if you say you need something, you are focusing on that need and so you never get it. Take starving people, for example, if they keep saying that they need food, then they are creating that constant need for food. See? If they had read the books I read, then they would know that they should stop scrounging for food and start saying, "I have an abundance of food," and then let the universe bring it to them. If they only understood this, they would be fine. So, we don't need to send starving children food, we need to send them these books so that they can manifest their destiny, people! Now who's with me?
No? No one? Not happening?
Well, so be it. I am off to bed then.
Yours truly,
Ima Shell Fisch
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Magilla and Jesus - Two Officially Cool Dudes!!
Sorry it’s been so long. I have been dealing with a lot of other, less serious health issues lately. Now that I have passed the biggest hurdle, I still have a few more to climb over before I get to the finish line. Of course, as aging beings, we never really get to the finish line, do we? At least, not until we are truly finished, if you know what I mean. Dead, that is. D-E-A-D. Like Jesus. [And if you feel the need to spit up some sputum about how Jews are evil because they killed Jesus, then please do so in order that I may identify your approximate IQ]. The only reason I mention Jesus now is because, in addition to being slightly hallucinogenic at the moment, I just can’t shake the image of a very large painting of Magilla Gorilla that is located on the outside wall of a nearby church. Now, these church goers are purporting that the picture I am referring to is Jesus and not Magilla. I said to them, “Oh ye of much faith, cast your eyes upward onto the wall. That’s right. Now since when does Jesus have arms that are twice the length of his legs?” They really couldn’t answer. And we all know he is kind of hairy, so when I burst from my fairytale-like running path back into the real world and came face-to-face with that huge, hirsute, long-armed being reaching out to me, I thought about bananas, people, not saviors! I just recommended that they shorten his arms a bit. What do you think they meant by, “Humpf”? Is it even a word? Or is it church language for, “My uncle painted that, you ass!” In either case, Magilla and Jesus were both very cool dudes, and my recommendation is if you are going to bring back one, why not bring back the other!? I didn’t know Jesus, personally, but I really do miss Magilla [please insert the Magilla Gorilla theme song here].
Do you want to hear about my travels through Western and Eastern medicine? No? Fair enough. But let me say one thing – okay, more than one thing – I met the cooler, rulerest naturopathic physical today. He is my dream man – scientifically nerdy and yet into holistic, alternative medicine. He was kind enough to give me an EXTRA hour of his time to help me free of charge! He saw how pathetic I was and he couldn’t resist the urge to help. He was kind, funny, modest, and bright as direct sunlight, people. This man gave me H-O-P-E. That’s “hope” for those of you who think Jews are evil for killing Magilla Gorilla. He was right on target. The down side of our little rendezvous is that my list of food and environmental allergens has increased. If I could indulge you for a minute, let me share with you my current list. I appear to be allergic to:
soy, rye, wheat, people that drive like the hole between my buttocks, spelt, oranges, grapefruit, food dyes, all cow products, pork, peanuts, corn, men under 35, chocolate, alcohol, house dust, fructose, artificial sweeteners, methamphetamines, benzoic acid, sodium nitrate, British men, tobacco smoke (and what other smoke is there, pray tell?), chlorine, babies with voice boxes, and SHUGERR!
Sugar? Can you imagine? I can’t. I can’t imagine my life without sugar. Is it possible? Do they make sugarless sugar? I know they have sugarless candy, but have you ever eaten it? No, it’s not bad tasting, but you have to eat it while sitting on the toilet, a bucket, or least over a hole in the sand. Trust me. Experience is what makes us wise, my friends. So, listen to the words of wisdom. Unless you like Hershey squirts in your trousers, ladies and gentlemen, you will NOT eat sugarless peanut butter cups while riding a Ferris wheel or in a car while driving through the desert.
So, what did I gain from my visit? Well, I now have stuff to put in my nose, under my tongue, on my abdomen, and in my stomach (unfortunately, there is nothing to put up my butt). From my Western doctor, however, I got narcotics and mood stabilizers. Allllllright!! Do I seem more stable?
Well, I have divulged enough personal information for now. Oh, well, I guess I do have one more thing to tell you. I decided to go out with the guy from my mother’s office. What can I say? Someone has to be first in line, right? It might as well be him. (Besides, I hear he stands to inherit a diaper full of money!!!)
Oh, and I found someone who is going to let me use his studio to record my songs. Wish me luck!
Gators,
Ima G. Raff
Do you want to hear about my travels through Western and Eastern medicine? No? Fair enough. But let me say one thing – okay, more than one thing – I met the cooler, rulerest naturopathic physical today. He is my dream man – scientifically nerdy and yet into holistic, alternative medicine. He was kind enough to give me an EXTRA hour of his time to help me free of charge! He saw how pathetic I was and he couldn’t resist the urge to help. He was kind, funny, modest, and bright as direct sunlight, people. This man gave me H-O-P-E. That’s “hope” for those of you who think Jews are evil for killing Magilla Gorilla. He was right on target. The down side of our little rendezvous is that my list of food and environmental allergens has increased. If I could indulge you for a minute, let me share with you my current list. I appear to be allergic to:
soy, rye, wheat, people that drive like the hole between my buttocks, spelt, oranges, grapefruit, food dyes, all cow products, pork, peanuts, corn, men under 35, chocolate, alcohol, house dust, fructose, artificial sweeteners, methamphetamines, benzoic acid, sodium nitrate, British men, tobacco smoke (and what other smoke is there, pray tell?), chlorine, babies with voice boxes, and SHUGERR!
Sugar? Can you imagine? I can’t. I can’t imagine my life without sugar. Is it possible? Do they make sugarless sugar? I know they have sugarless candy, but have you ever eaten it? No, it’s not bad tasting, but you have to eat it while sitting on the toilet, a bucket, or least over a hole in the sand. Trust me. Experience is what makes us wise, my friends. So, listen to the words of wisdom. Unless you like Hershey squirts in your trousers, ladies and gentlemen, you will NOT eat sugarless peanut butter cups while riding a Ferris wheel or in a car while driving through the desert.
So, what did I gain from my visit? Well, I now have stuff to put in my nose, under my tongue, on my abdomen, and in my stomach (unfortunately, there is nothing to put up my butt). From my Western doctor, however, I got narcotics and mood stabilizers. Allllllright!! Do I seem more stable?
Well, I have divulged enough personal information for now. Oh, well, I guess I do have one more thing to tell you. I decided to go out with the guy from my mother’s office. What can I say? Someone has to be first in line, right? It might as well be him. (Besides, I hear he stands to inherit a diaper full of money!!!)
Oh, and I found someone who is going to let me use his studio to record my songs. Wish me luck!
Gators,
Ima G. Raff
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