Sorry it’s been so long. I have been dealing with a lot of other, less serious health issues lately. Now that I have passed the biggest hurdle, I still have a few more to climb over before I get to the finish line. Of course, as aging beings, we never really get to the finish line, do we? At least, not until we are truly finished, if you know what I mean. Dead, that is. D-E-A-D. Like Jesus. [And if you feel the need to spit up some sputum about how Jews are evil because they killed Jesus, then please do so in order that I may identify your approximate IQ]. The only reason I mention Jesus now is because, in addition to being slightly hallucinogenic at the moment, I just can’t shake the image of a very large painting of Magilla Gorilla that is located on the outside wall of a nearby church. Now, these church goers are purporting that the picture I am referring to is Jesus and not Magilla. I said to them, “Oh ye of much faith, cast your eyes upward onto the wall. That’s right. Now since when does Jesus have arms that are twice the length of his legs?” They really couldn’t answer. And we all know he is kind of hairy, so when I burst from my fairytale-like running path back into the real world and came face-to-face with that huge, hirsute, long-armed being reaching out to me, I thought about bananas, people, not saviors! I just recommended that they shorten his arms a bit. What do you think they meant by, “Humpf”? Is it even a word? Or is it church language for, “My uncle painted that, you ass!” In either case, Magilla and Jesus were both very cool dudes, and my recommendation is if you are going to bring back one, why not bring back the other!? I didn’t know Jesus, personally, but I really do miss Magilla [please insert the Magilla Gorilla theme song here].
Do you want to hear about my travels through Western and Eastern medicine? No? Fair enough. But let me say one thing – okay, more than one thing – I met the cooler, rulerest naturopathic physical today. He is my dream man – scientifically nerdy and yet into holistic, alternative medicine. He was kind enough to give me an EXTRA hour of his time to help me free of charge! He saw how pathetic I was and he couldn’t resist the urge to help. He was kind, funny, modest, and bright as direct sunlight, people. This man gave me H-O-P-E. That’s “hope” for those of you who think Jews are evil for killing Magilla Gorilla. He was right on target. The down side of our little rendezvous is that my list of food and environmental allergens has increased. If I could indulge you for a minute, let me share with you my current list. I appear to be allergic to:
soy, rye, wheat, people that drive like the hole between my buttocks, spelt, oranges, grapefruit, food dyes, all cow products, pork, peanuts, corn, men under 35, chocolate, alcohol, house dust, fructose, artificial sweeteners, methamphetamines, benzoic acid, sodium nitrate, British men, tobacco smoke (and what other smoke is there, pray tell?), chlorine, babies with voice boxes, and SHUGERR!
Sugar? Can you imagine? I can’t. I can’t imagine my life without sugar. Is it possible? Do they make sugarless sugar? I know they have sugarless candy, but have you ever eaten it? No, it’s not bad tasting, but you have to eat it while sitting on the toilet, a bucket, or least over a hole in the sand. Trust me. Experience is what makes us wise, my friends. So, listen to the words of wisdom. Unless you like Hershey squirts in your trousers, ladies and gentlemen, you will NOT eat sugarless peanut butter cups while riding a Ferris wheel or in a car while driving through the desert.
So, what did I gain from my visit? Well, I now have stuff to put in my nose, under my tongue, on my abdomen, and in my stomach (unfortunately, there is nothing to put up my butt). From my Western doctor, however, I got narcotics and mood stabilizers. Allllllright!! Do I seem more stable?
Well, I have divulged enough personal information for now. Oh, well, I guess I do have one more thing to tell you. I decided to go out with the guy from my mother’s office. What can I say? Someone has to be first in line, right? It might as well be him. (Besides, I hear he stands to inherit a diaper full of money!!!)
Oh, and I found someone who is going to let me use his studio to record my songs. Wish me luck!
Gators,
Ima G. Raff
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