I didn't get to the studio.
I almost missed my non-date date.
I had to put Project Hot Body on hold for a few days.
"Why?" you ask. Because I had an intestinal/stomach virus that was so fierce that it caused me to rid myself of food that I hadn't even eaten yet. It also made me so sleepy and depressed - damn, people, damn! I experienced an outburst of rage that almost knocked the house down. I think it was spending so much of my free time on the toilet that did it. It just pushed me over the edge! And I was flipping pissed off, people! I wasn't irrational. I was angry. And I had an epiphany. Are you ready?
"Some things just can't be forgiven." Period. [Well, I guess I already put the period in, but I am trying to be more dramatic. I hope you don't mind. Like I care, huh?]
It doesn't mean that you carry around anger for the rest of your life - you let it out- as I did, trying not to hurt any plants or animals in the process, and then you move on. But you do not have to forgive. You just don't. You can let it go and rid your mind and heart of it, you can push yourself to the point where you just don't give a sh*# about it anymore, but you don't have to forgive. At least I don't. And I feel better accepting the fact that I am not going to forgive than I did when I was forcing myself to try. I couldn't cross the finish line. So what? It feels better on the bench where I can pretend that I can eat hot sausage sandwiches and drink beer. Seriously, kids, I really feel freed by this emotionally incorrect realization. Dead self-help writers are rolling over in their graves, I suppose, but all I can say is, "Woohwee!"
And if you have been struggling with not being able to forgive and you have made yourself sick with guilt over it - then come join me in my freedom. Say, "I don't forgive you and I am okay with that." That's right. Come on now, everyone. "I don't forgive you and I am okay with that!" Think of that one person you just can't forgive because, let's face it, he or she is probably an ass. But, whether sweet or sour, the fact is, you probably can't trust that person now and that is enough reason, moooooore than enough reason, actually, to not forgive them. Why should you? "Should"s need to be stuffed down the garbage disposal along with anyone over the age of six that still uses baby talk [It's right up there with fingernails being scraped down a chalkboard, people!].
Look, I am not saying that you shouldn't forgive if you can. It would be nice. But, it would also be nice to give yourself a break and let it be. If you keep trying to forgive, then you are continually focusing on it, right? And if you are going to focus on being hurt repeatedly, then you are just hurting yourself. You don't deserve that. So, if you feel better once you allow yourself to feel what you feel [aka not forgive at this time], then you are more likely to really be able to let go of it. It makes some sense, doesn't it? Well, I feel better, anyways.
You know, I was watching a movie with my aunt and uncle last night and this little girl was upset with her father for lying to her and getting a divorce from her mother. She was saying all the things I had just said in my last email to Stephen (yes, in my rage I cheated and made contact and told him that I was not going to forgive him and that I didn't care if I ever spoke to him again - which is, believe it or not, true). Now, this little girl was going on and on and saying that her father was a liar because he told her, and it wasn't wise to do so, that her parents would never get a divorce. She said he was a liar because he told her everything would get better, but it didn't. She told him that she hated him. Blah blah blah. I am telling you people, it was almost word for word my own script. I informed my aunt that this girl was practically reading my last email. She looked at me and then the television set and said, "Yeah, but, she's nine years old." Hmmm...point well taken. And yet, I feel incredibly good now. Go figure?
So, to all my homefries out there, do you what you can to forgive, but if you can't, that's okay, too. Whether you choose to forgive or not to forgive please don't use baby talk when you do it, okay? Thanks.
Stay healthy,
Ima B. Emm
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2 comments:
"To forgive is to forget." My mother told me that after a partcularly horrendous injustice was visited on me. I understand completly the can vs. cannot forgive thing, it takes time. Once you do, forgive --- You've taken the power for yourself.
Sign me, Turned the Other Cheek
I know, I know. But I don't think forgetting is always the best thing. You see, NOT forgetting helps stop you from making the same mistake (well, unless you are me, of course, and choose to repeat the mistake until life hits you in the uterus). It also helps you see the red flags in others - the ones to stay away from, you know? If I forget what S did, then I get back together when he comes back into my life (and he will). Not forgetting will help me say "no" and spare myself the same grief all over again. So, in this case, as well as others, I don't want to forget. Get me? I don't want to offer my other cheek just to get another slap.
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