Bifocals and Body Hair

Oh my ghod, people! As if depression and self-pity weren't enough to deal with, I just came back from the eye doctor's. All I wanted was a new pair of glasses so that I wouldn't run over any deer or people at night (the former because it would make me sad and the latter because it could hurt my car). Instead, I get told, "Well, at 40- you're 40? -oh, wow, well, at 40, people start to need bifocals, so...." AHEM! WHAT? WHO? ME? AGE IS JUST A NUMBER, ISN'T IT? I mean, that's what Jill Dahne 'the love psychic' told me...that's the only reason I was going through the Demi Moore dating process to begin with. Okay, well, that, and the fact that I'd been emotionally stunted. But, age isn't just a number, is it JILL? I mean, at 40, people start to need bbbbb...bi....ffff.....ocals. Bi-friggin'-focals. I covered my ears (I really did), but it didn't stop them from writing it down. Putting it in print - on paper - for all to see. Worse yet, for ME to see. What am I supposed to do? I can't get in to see a therapist now - not on a Friday - not on such short notice. I am not ready. I am not ready to age. This has to be on par with the day that Samantha found her first gray public hair on Sex in the City. Of course, you can only find that if you have pubic hair to begin with. Which brings me to my next topic.

Hair. Body hair. What is the problem, people? Why are we so opposed to hair? We are born with hair on our bodies - there is nothing dirty or wrong with it as long as you keep it clean. Both men and women are born with hair on their bodies, so what is the problem? I mean, men can't have beards without people thinking they are pedophiles and women can't have beards without people thinking they're freaks or lesbians. Hell, women can't have hair anywhere except for their heads without people thinking the same thing. And what is that? Hair on the head is imperative for men and women, but hair anywhere else for women is a no-no and on certain other areas like the back or the face is often looked down upon on men. And what about our asses? Can't we have hair there, either? Why not? Damn it all, people, I actually have better things to do with my time than spend it removing hair from my body - hair that doesn't hurt anyone - not me - and not you. Is it the 'monkey-human' connection that bothers everyone so much? Because, I know I am not a monkey. And if you don't, then you need help. My aunt once said that she had to shave her legs and armpits because she didn't want to be a man. Now, forgive me if I am wrong, but I thought that having a penis - not body hair-made you a man. And even then, let's face it, you still need certain hormones and brain chemicals to make you feel like a man - or a woman. But, I don't think anywhere down the line has body hair had anything to do with someone being male or female.

It's natural and most people are born with it-male or female, homosexual or heterosexual, transgendered or not - period. I am sure there is a condition where some are born without body hair - but even then, that is probably a problem for some of you hair-obsessed types. I just want to know WHO decided one day who and where we should or should not have hair!!! Are these the same people that tell us what jeans to buy and what shirts are "in"? Because I am pretty sure that there are people being raped and tortured and starving to death right now that would appreciate it if you could spend a little more time thinking about helping them rather than wasting your time worrying about what you should or should not have on your body. And what I need to have on my body right now is a pair of bifocals. So, I have to get my hairy ass back up to the eye glasses center and pick a pair out.

But before I go, let me say that I truly believe that you should have hair wherever you want to have it and if you don't want to have it, you should be allowed to remove it by any means possible, be that threading, waxing, shaving, plucking, or sawing. I just want everyone to really think about how unimportant it really is and accept each other with or without body hair - wherever that may be. Look, I have accidentally shaved off parts of my eyebrows before and my little sister once shaved off all of her left eyebrow...it happens. But is it really that important? Did it change us as people? No. It didn't. With or without eyebrows we were still the same people with the same morals and values and a love for real ginger ale (the kind with ginger root in it). So, let's just stop caring one way or the other, shall we?

p.s. Did I ever tell you about the dream I had where I had a goatee? I looked really good. It brought out my eyes!!

Until later comes sooner,

Ima I. Glass