Who Cuts Your Hair?

Why do I ask about your hair? Because I had to go to Wal*Mart tonight to get my prescription filled and it was - oh, how can I say this politely - somewhat of a mutant fest. And the hair cuts???? It looked like the same kid's mom cut everyone's hair on the same night in the same crack house. Now, I am not sure if it's local, statewide, national, international, universal, or what, but I was scared, people. I tried not to look, but then I ran into things.

Speaking of hair cuts, my mom used to cut my hair. She was always cutting my bangs too short because she would cut and then say, "Oh, they aren't even," and then cut some more. Then, "Oh, now they aren't even on the other side, " and cut some more. Then we'd move on to , "Whoops. Almost, " and then she'd cut some more. This went on until the bangs were just about gone. It lasted years, too, mind you. I didn't even know there was a place you could go to get your hair cut professionally. I really didn't. I didn't even get to a hair salon until high school when my mother didn't really have time to cut my hair anymore. When I learned that other kids had been going to them for years and getting cool haircuts while I went through life unintentionally bangless (or "fringeless" for our European readers), I felt cheated. It made me wonder what else I had been denied all those years. Hmmm...what else was I denied all those years? Let me start a list and get back to you.

I have to admit I am trying to write this and watch TV at the same time. Don't be insulted. If anything, it should be the TV that's insulted. I am exhausted and ready for bed, but I am writing to you because I miss you. I am also doing this during my favorite show!! That's right. It was between you and them - them being Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. You were running a close second. I mean, I can't give up my time with the boys just like that. It's not that easy. I mean, these guys have been here for me every day, letting me know what's going on in the world and making me laugh and nod approvingly. In fact, I would have to say that they really have been the biggest help to me during this time of transition and healing in my life. You guys are nice and all, but where are you at night when I eat my organic salad and flourless bread? Yeah, that's right. You are with your partners and/or your kids, pets, clients, blowup companions (you know who you are!), or AA buddies...but you aren't here, are you? You aren't here wiping the tears from my eyes, are you? No. You aren't. Jon is. And when I am thinking that all my dreams are just nightmares and that the present isn't much of a present anymore, you aren't here to make me laugh at the insignificance of my problems or the mere cheesiness of my words, are you? No. You aren't. It's Stephen Colbert that's doing that - reminding me that he is the center of the universe, not me. And I love him for it!

Oh, lookie, it's a commercial for male enhancement products. Ghoddammit, people. I am so sick of this obsession with male enhancement products. Is that really what this country is all about now? Bigger penises and larger breasts? Is this really where we are at? Is this what love is all about now? Yeah, I understand that if you are a guy and you have a small penile projection you may feel that having a larger one is better for your partner and more satisfying and that's nice. Who am I to deny you the extra millimeter? I want what's best for you; I really do. I am just sick of the advertisements focusing so much on it these days. It just reminds me of how primitive we still are - focusing so much of ourselves on sex - on the physical realm. Why don't we care more about intellectual and emotional enhancement? That's sexy. I mean, you could have a huge penis, but if you are dumb and/or emotionally retarded, you aren't hot. Plain and simple. But, seriously, if they work for you and they make you and your loved one more satisfied, then more power to you. I just hope you also try to think for yourself and work on your ability to connect emotionally, too. I think it's really important if you want to satisfy a woman - unless she's dumb and/or emotionally retarded, in which case, nevermind.

I will close with a comment about my Disneyesque jog this evening where I felt a lot like Snow White in sneakers and sweat pants. Where I am stationed - not far from my very real $50.00 a month shed, btw - there are a lot of creatures - opposums (don't forget that the second "p" is silent), woodchucks, squirrels, chipmunks, deer, birds from hell (except the heavenly humming birds), and all sorts of flying insects. And for some reason, they were all out this evening. I passed a family of deer, which I thought were lawn orniments until I realized that their eyes really were following me. A squirrel cut in front of me and then stayed about one foot ahead for an entire block, so it looked like I was chasing him. And squirrels don't run in a straight line, right? So, his little butt was going left and then right and then left again and it looked like he was playing soccer (or "football" for our European friends). And the gnats! Wow. They ruled the skies this evening. Did you ever notice how they look and taste a lot like flying gojii berries? Oh, you did? Nevermind then. And then, the cutest thing of all was that a humming bird flew next to me as I jogged. I felt a little strange. I mean, he was violating my space, you know? I didn't say anything at first, but then, after a while, I got kind of freaked out and said, "Ummm....can I help you?" ( I hope no one was watching me). Then he flew away. He was perdy. He was my friend. All the creatures of Big Flats are my friends. Well, not all of them. Not the ones that shop at Wal*Mart.

Hoo boy, with all that said and nothing said at all, I am off to bed.

I leave you with thoughts of all my leftover organic vegetarian refried beans (and jalepeno ranch dressing)...

Yours,

Ima C. Clampp