Wow. Where was I? Running? Wanting to run? That's me. Every day, all day, all I wanted to do was run far, far away. I am, however, as indecisive as a Libran at the moment and so I haven't been able to figure out just where to go. That paralysis, as well as a few commitments here and there, has stopped me from going anywhere except to the Mall and back.
As warned, I saw Deepak - sixth row, front and center. He had red rimmed glasses and red sneakers on and the first half of his talk was riveting. He spoke of new discoveries in science and medicine that had made everyone think about everything from whole new perspective once again. Ahh, the ongoing discovery of discoveries...isn't it wonderful? Much of what he spoke of I had already read about in his Book of Secrets, but what really meant the most to me was what he said about the intelligence of the cells that we have in our bodies beyond our brains. This knowing and knowledge of things that we call "gut reactions" are full of knowledge. Although it is already known to many of us who live by following our instincts, it was extremely helpful for me to be reminded of the fact that the gut knows better than the brain as the brain can talk itself out of what the gut instinctively already knows. Right?
This reminder was helpful to me as I found myself wanting to run harder and faster at each tempting offer to stay. Here. A job offer - music connections - male companionship -unconditional love and support...why would I ever say no to any of those things? Because my gut said so. My gut reaction to the job was, "Oh ghod, I don't want to do that and I certainly don't want to live there!" There being in a college town in western, New York where the average age is 22. Twenty - fu@#ing - two, people. I told you - I am over that noise! Then, I am being told that I can get hooked up with local musicians left and right if I stay in or near Syracuse and what happens? Instead of feeling excited and thankful, I feel sick to my stomach and start to sweat profusely. Now this sweating is quite unusual for someone who is on medication that makes her so incredibly cold that she's been sleeping under an electric blanket (situated under six regular blankets) all summer long. In fact, I was cold in the theatre until this particular conversation began. My gut was yelling, "Noooooooooooooooooooo." Why? I don't know. Ask my gut! It's the universe guiding me, people; that's all I know. I am relieved now, so I know that it was the right decision.
So, where am I going to work and live and do music? I don't know. I keep going back and forth between Connecticut and Colorado. Sperling and some other online site concluded, after the completion of a survey, that these were the best two places for me. They both had Stamford - Norwalk, CT as the number one choice and Boulder/Colorado Springs as the number two choice. Ironically, when I consulted a psychic on this upon my return to the U.S. she came up with Colorado and Seattle as being places where I would be very happy. So, you can see my dilemma.
So, does this mean I am free and clear health-wise? I dunno. See, I went to the doctor and had a biopsy (instead of the dreaded D&C) right then and there. Yeahhh!! This saved me a lot of time and money as it required no hospital stay. Also, this wonderful place of places has offered me a 60% discount on all medical care from this particular clinic until the end of October. Yeah!!!! This saved me even more money. The last thing the doctor said was, "I'd be surprised if we find anything at this point." You would think that I feel positive and happy and relieved, right? Well, being me - that isn't the case. See, they told me the same thing in Korea and the lab results showed something quite different. I am not going to believe it until I see it - or the lab technician sees it. So, off to the lab went a juicy, full cup of blood and tissue and now I am waiting for the results to come in. Hopefully, my team wins. I will know before the end of the week. I am leaving it up to the universe at this point. I have done all I can do to heal myself and more. I have gone alternative (drinking garlic tea, taking rice germ pills six times a day, visualizing...) and mainstream (taking the medication). I have worked hard to let go of the ugliness inside - most of it has been unleashed on you and behind the backs of innocent Americans, but as long as I become a healthier person in the long run, then I would have to say it's been worth it. So, now it's really up to the powers that be, and I sure hope they like me.
What this means y'all is that if I need another procedure, then I am just going to watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books and pretend that I live in a bubble. It's for your own safety, really. If, however, I am healthy and ready to move on, then I am most in need of dealing with the fact that I have to decide where to go. So, the votes are out - CT or CO? Connecticut has a million pros to it - the ocean, proximity to NYC and old friends, affluence, and an East Coast mentality. Colorado's pros are that it has dry summers, it's far from home, it's stunningly beautiful and I think of it as being quite spiritual. There really isn't a bad choice here. There is just a choice that has to be made...that's the problem. I am trying really hard not to consult a psychic on this one as the last three all said - oh, wait, did I just admit that I talked with three of them? Well, I did. Deal with it.
Now, I know that some of you are concerned about my mental health and think that maybe I should stay away from psychics and dating men, for their sake as well as mine, but you have to remember that I didn't date men, I dated boys. And herein lay the lessons I had to learn. I have, over the years, given my heart to males who were emotionally and psychologically still boys and then demanded that they act and love like grown up men. In my attempts to make that happen, I have chosen and reacted like a girl instead of acting like a woman. The results have been nuclear!! Thankfully, through this last attempt at the same impossible feat, it has come to my attention that it is time for me to stop blaming these boys and to take responsibility for my choices and be honest about the reasons for those choices. As a result, I have promised to behave like a grown up and only date men from now on. I think this will make a huuuuuge difference - you'll see. And let's face it, there is no where to go but up... or Connecticut, or Colorado.
OOOOOh, which way to I go? Which way do I go? Isn't the universe supposed to send me a message and guide me somewhere? Hullooooo!! Over here!!! That's right - me - the girl with the healthy, happy uterus...standing by the cow. Yeah, it's a cow. I don't know. It was just standing here tied to the tree. No, I don't know how to milk a cow. Look, are you going to help me or what?
I have some fudge to eat, so I have to go 'cuz I said I'd share it with my aunt, but what I meant was that she could have a little piece of the corner of it and I hear her heading for the kitchen.
Ima L. Durr
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