Cars and Confessions

Look, this isn’t going to be about illicit behavior conducted in automobiles, so if you are looking for that, look elsewhere. That’s right, move along now. For those of you who are staying, this will not be like my other entries, so be prepared.

I want to start out by saying that when you come back to the country and you are single, everyone wants to set you up with someone they know: their co-worker, their gynecologist, their brother, some guy they met at a yard sale…You’d be surprised. But to those who think that I want to date one of their ex-lovers, all I can I say is, “EWWWWW”. There is a reason they don’t talk about 1 degree of separation, folks –because you need more degrees to keep it from being incestuous!! I am not doing someone that you already did! Got it, Mom? And you can’t make me. So, please, I know you mean well, but, “EWWWWW”.

Since everyone is eager to help me out, let me help YOU out. I have some rules that THIS TIME I will not budge on. So, to save you time, let me start by saying he needs to be no younger than 35 and no older than 45, and to Xenobia and the rest, this time he needs to have a driver’s license! Why is this so important you ask? Well, the way I see it, based on my own experience, if someone doesn’t have a driver’s license, we are probably incompatible. Generally, there are several reasons a person won’t have a license:

a) He is too young to drive (in which case it is illegal to date him).
b) He is too old to drive (in which case, “EWWWW”!)
c) He has some impairment such as he is blind (in which case he can’t see how hot I look in my Hanes all-cotton boxers), deaf (he can’t ooh and ahh over the music I write), he has Asperger’s (I already tried that one – it wasn’t a good fit!), or he can’t read (in which case I can’t send him preachy, self-righteous emails when he pisses me off).
d) He is lazy and/or spoiled so he has relatives and friends who drive him everywhere (can I pleeease have a MAN this time?).
e) He is an alcoholic or drug addict and so he knows he can’t drive under the influence (while I appreciate the concern for safety of others, I really don’t need another alcoholic in my life, thank you).
f) He lost his license for one of the reasons above.
g) He was born and raised in a city (zzzzzzz….).
i) He’s just too stupid to pass the test.

So, if he can’t pick me up in his car, he ain’t gonna’ pick me up at all! Got it? Good.

Now, here is where some of you might want to stop reading because it isn’t biting or angry. Go ahead. Don’t worry. You don’t have to feel guilty. We’ll see each other again. I promise.

Last chance….

Okay then.

I am currently reading the book Bonds That Make Us Free by Warner. The beginning of this book is about how we betray ourselves and the poison of being and being with those who are self-absorbed. Unfortunately, for the last 12 months I was in Korea and up until yesterday, I had been guilty of just such a thing. Why am I telling you this? Because you need to know that I know that the disgust I felt at being back “home” WAS about me, and not about them. I was and still am disgusted with myself because I knew early on in Korea that I was being exploited and that no one was going to take care of me but myself…yet I forfeited that responsibility. Why? I didn’t trust myself.

These people here in Upstate, NY are good people. They didn’t vote for Bush (hell, they probably didn’t vote at all), they don’t care what I wear or what I look like (there isn’t that superficiality you find in places like Korea), and they aren’t out to use me (I have nothing to offer them, really). These are people who are not self-absorbed and sinful like the people that I let into my life and my heart over the past few years. These aren’t self-absorbed people who are insecure, resentful of others’ success, self-centered, selfish, guarded, manipulative, or obsessed with quantity (they don’t count how many people come to their birthday parties to determine how worthy they are). Sure, we don’t all share similar interests or world views, but these are people who actually delight in others’ success, are sincere, supportive, peaceful, trusting, and willing to share themselves…these people see you as a friend, not an enemy. I saw being here as a sign of failure and it’s because I failed at being true to myself. Now I have a chance to get back to who I was before all this started. My values and beliefs got distorted by romantic love and the resulting self-betrayal only exacerbated my sickness. I will never go back there again – literally or figuratively.

So, is it my fault that I am physically ill now? Absolutely. Is it my fault I was betrayed? Of course. Is it my fault I came home completely heartbroken? Most certainly. Why? So, who do I really need to forgive each day? It’s not the people that abandoned me and used me over the years– it’s me because I abandoned myself and let myself be used. And I hope that others can forgive me as well, for in the pain and confusion I felt, I judged them harshly when the only person I have the right to judge is myself. Am I guilty? Yes. Do I deserve to be punished? Yes. But will I serve my time and then begin again a better person? I am sure of it.

That said, I am still not dating anyone without a license.

I am off to the Lake to play with children and ask repeatedly, “Have you caught anything, yet?”

Have a nice bath,

Ima G. String