Don't Eat the Crab Cakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, some of you seem to be a little upset that you haven’t had a little of the Ima mojo to keep you going the past few days. Well, let me tell you, Ima has been busy keeping people alive the past few days – first and foremost, herself.

As I said, I went to Lake G. with my mother and grandmother. Three generations of WILD, people – whoohooo! It all started on the car ride up to Lake G. where my grandmother found it necessary to read aloud every road sign, billboard, and license plate. It was an hour long trip, folks! That pretty much set the tone. Once we were there, she read the name of every hotel and restaurant we passed – and it was an entire street of hotels and restaurants! The funny thing about vacationing in Lake George is that we never actually went into the lake. You see, for me, it’s just a lake. I mean, I live in the Finger Lakes Region of N.Y., so I got lakes coming out of the wazoo!!! So, it wasn’t so different from being home except that everything that cost more money and my mother and grandmother were in my bedroom! And, I would like to state for the record that these women do not sleep! I tried to exhaust them in every which way possible, but if there is a television set in the room – and there was – they WILL NOT SLEEP! Now, Ima not trying to complain too much here, but Ima in need of sleep, people. You KNOW this! It affects Ima’s estrogen levels– so show some respect for the hormones. Because, after all, we know that HORMONES RULE (and not in the good way).

The first night there was a disaster. I was freezing and sleeping in sweatpants and a coat while my grandmother was sweating and turning up the air conditioning every hour. My earplugs were not working too well, either, as I could hear them talking until all hours of the night. The next day, I decided to take a hike up a nearby summit. My mother wanted to go. She had no hiking shoes, sneakers, or really, any shoes at all. She had sandals – a.k.a. flip flops. Flip flops! Now, what do you suppose happens to a woman, aged 60, going up a steep, rocky, incline for three miles in flip flops? To be fair, by the way, I did go for a run first and then put my own flip flops on so that I would be tired out and more at her pace. This mattered not, my friends. We got about an hour of the way up the hill (it was about two hours to get up) and BAM, she’s convinced she’s having a heart attack. Granted she was having trouble breathing and holding her chest, but she wasn’t having a heart attack – it was more like a Big Mac attack – she was just not in shape for the hike! I don’t mean to be cold here, but she was holding the RIGHT side of her chest, her skin color looked fine, and there was no unusual sweating. Plus, I had been JUST LIKE HER a month ago when I started jogging. It’s simply called, “Being Out of Shape”. It was like looking in a mirror, folks. Needless to say, she recovered and then we made the hike up and back in less than four hours time. I thought FOR SURE she would go to sleep early after that. Did she? No! I mean, she couldn't walk, but she could watch TV! And my G-ma got stuck in the hot tub and couldn’t get out, so I thought that trauma would have knocked her out, too, but NO! I remember at 1:15 am, I finally sat up, ripped my ear plugs out and the eye patch off and cried out in frustration, “You’re still up??!!!” There were some grumbles, but eventually the TV got reluctantly turned off and I got some sleep! Jeesh!.

The next day I planned a tubing trip for us down the Hudson. I thought that it would be something that people of all ages could enjoy. I thought wrong. As we got into our tubes, I was quickly carried down the river and lost track of the Ma and G-ma. I thought they would be okay, though, as all you had to do was stay seated in the inner tube and make sure your butt didn’t hit any rocks (I didn’t pass that test, by the way). I kept trying to catch sight of them, but every time I turned around to find them I got carried further down the river. Eventually I became known as, “girl in front” and a sort of pseudo leader. The trip leaders would yell out, “Hey, girl in front, head to the right after the rock” and, “Hey, girl in front, try not to hit the log,” and, “Girl in front, where the hell are you going?” Stuff like that. Finally, toward the end of the trip, we reached a swimming hole and I could hang out in an eddy (what’s an eddy?), and wait for them to catch up. All the other tubers (ha ha, “tubers”) showed up, but where was my lineage? Could it have floated away? Could they have been grounded and left to brave the wilderness on their own? I couldn’t see them anywhere! I need glasses, so that didn’t help.

Eventually, they showed up. Things didn’t look too good, though. G-ma was on her stomach with the Tubby Tubing visor covering her face. However, my mother didn’t seem overly distraught and then I realized that G-ma actually had a hand on the rope of the kayak that was pulling them along. My poor ancestors – G-ma thought she was heading toward the light and my poor mom had to stay with her to make sure she didn’t. It didn’t seem fair. I was left feeling ashamed of my success at becoming “girl in front” while they were literally struggling with life and death issues. I should have been with them. I never should have allowed the river to carry me so far away. I should have…I should have…Oh, screw it. I wore flip flops up the mountain! Besides, I bought that Tubby Tubing visor for her! I am a good person, damn it! I am!!

Or am I? [insert raised eyebrows here]

That night we went to dinner and all I can say is: DON’T EAT THE “CRAP” CAKES AT THE LOBSTER POT! In fact, don’t eat anything there! And by the way, why do they sell Salt Water Taffy as a souvenir at freshwater locations? Can’t they just sell “Water Taffy” or how about “Lake Water Taffy”? Is that bad? I just don’t get it! Help, help me, Rhonda! Then help me help you! After you help me, of course. And as long as it won’t take all day. Well, I have things to do, people!

I have a dream of becoming a published songwriter, and it is time, after 20(cough)+ years of songwriting, to DO something with all this Ghod-given talent! I mean, what kind of person would I be to deny the world the pleasure of Ghod’s music? Yeah, whatever. The point is that I am going to make something of myself, people. I am not going to allow my grandmother to be humiliated for one day longer by being “sickly, single, and a waste of musical talent”! This woman deserves better. By the way, do you know that she is officially the oldest woman to have gone on that Tubby Tubing trip? It’s true. We found this out as they were literally carrying her back to the bus. So, you can say what you will about my dream and my talent (or lack there of), but I am doing this for the G-ma!! It’s her dream, as well, and I am not going to let her down.

So, I hope this rather overdue entry will keep you from sending me anymore hateful emails and phone messages. I don’t do well under pressure, kids. But, I want you to know, that because you have been loyal readers, I will do my very best to check in nightly once again. Really, I will. I owe you that… and more.

All my Cliff Bars and Used Ear Plugs,

Ima G. Dawder