Well, I had a good night’s sleep…THANK GHOD! That’s not to say that I didn’t wake up throughout the night because I was dreaming of reconciliation…but, still, I shed not one morning tear. Not one!! And to that, I say thank you to Moses, Jesus, Mohammad, Matt Damon, and all the Latter Day Saints you can find. In celebration of my early morning success, I made myself toast. Not just ordinary toast. I made toast with Organic Sprouted Grain Low Sodium Ezekiel bread (the only bread worth eating and approved of by God), topped with Organic Butter, covered with Organic Almond Butter, and then topped off with Organic Apricot Fruit Spread. It was organically delicious.
After breakfast I made an attempt to meditate on the back patio. At first it was the usual noise of the birds in the back yard and the woods next door. For some reason, they were noisier than usual and some of their sounds are downright annoying. As I tried to quiet my mind through all the squawks and complaints from my feathered friends, “B.B. Gun” kept popping into my head. Then the dog decided to join me, leaving a pile of “dog gravy” at my feet. Just how much noise does a dog need to make in order to clean his genitalia, people? Good Ghod! “Snort, lick, slobber, chew, snort, lick, snort some more, make more dog gravy for me to step in,…” Now I have the words, “Castration” popping into my head. This meditation thing is not going well! Finally, the dog takes a rest and the birds seem to calm down a bit. I take a deep breath, ready to start again, and guess what? The neighbors start to cut down a tree in their back yard with a chainsaw. I kid you not!!! Then, to top it all off (again, I am not making this up), the Fire Station siren goes off. Now, look. This area is small. The town I am sitting in at the moment isn’t more than a few miles from here to there and back again…yet we seem to have fires a few times a day. Fires I don’t see, smell, or hear about. In fact, I checked the local papers and things have been pretty quiet as far as fires go, so WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM? Needless to say, with a tree killer, a fire department with an active imagination, an obsessive-compulsive dog, and a few birds that are able to be heard through the din, I did NOT get my meditation done this morning.
Maybe that’s why I had such a strange day. I was attacked today be several insects. It was the theme, in a sense. When I went out for my run, a large insect flew into my ear. We had a bit of a struggle, but no one got hurt. Then, when I took the dog out for a walk, something stung me, ever so lightly, on the neck. After we got home from the walk, I opened the door to my bedroom and something that looked like a large brown moth, but with the body the size of a bee, hit me in the forehead, causing me to fall back into the door. I realize now why these insects were taking a liking to me. Just look at my breakfast. I am too organic! Perhaps it’s a sign from the universe letting me know that I need to eat more pesticides.
Speaking of pests, let me just get a few things off my chest, okay? Going back to the idea of who I will or won’t date, I would like to present you with Brad. Let me start by saying that Brad is real, although his name has been changed from Bill to Brad for anonymity’s sake. Okay? Okay. So, a good friend of mine, and Brad, and I are hanging out one night. We have to pay an admission fee of 12.00 dollars for the three of us to go look at some well-groomed cows or something. So, it’s $4 each. Brad hands the man at the gate a twenty. So, I give Brad $10 for me and my friend. Given that it’s $4 each and I am paying for two of us, that totals…? Come on, you can do it? Yep. $8. So, if I give him $10, how much change should I get? Well, tell that to Brad! As I looked in disbelief at the $1 he gave me, he said, “That’s right, isn’t it?” I couldn’t help but smile. “Yep, that’s about right,” I said. “And yep, you are so fired” I thought to myself. Ah, my first smile of the evening. Then, within the first fifteen minutes or so he tells me that in the summer, because it’s so hot, he rides his tractor naked. What am I supposed to say to that? Now, I don’t have a problem with nudity, but did he have to say the T-word? I just can’t go there. I won’t bore you with the rest of the evening, and believe me it WAS boring, but I will say that at the end of the night, after once again giving me the wrong change (this time in my favor – second smile of the evening), my friend had to drive Brad home because, yep, you guessed it, he wasn’t allowed to drive anymore. I just want to point out that this is what girls who grow up here have to date if they are going to date at all. Can you feel my pain? Can you see the injustice of my childhood flashing before you eyes? Can you?
Then there’s my mother trying to pawn off someone that SHE wants to date. The sad thing is that this guy is probably the nicest guy, but after getting a million emails with HIS email and HIS phone number in the body, and my mother trying every trick in the book to get me to contact him, I consider him my arch nemesis. It started out with her talking me up and then getting him all excited to meet me. Bad idea. Why would I want to burst someone’s bubble? Then, it went to, “I just think you guys would be good friends.” Yeah, I am sure that he just wants to be friends. And, in any case, I have a lot of friends right now that I need to spend time with and catch up with. So, then it went to, “Well, he could really use a friend.” What am I? A charity rental? Why can’t he call the psychic hotline like every other lonely person does? Then, it got even more vicious as it moved from, “His dog is dying and he is all alone,” to “His cat is dying now, too. You have cats, right?” I mean, how can all this happen to a guy within the first two weeks I am home? Maybe someone should make sure animals are safe with this guy. Then, she tried to get me to make contact by telling him how I saved my cats from leukemia and so maybe I could help his cat, too. Um…hello…no. That’s what Google is for! Now, I am told his cat has died (my fault, I suppose) and I am expected to send condolences. Look! Enough! She is playing the guilt card now. And do I feel guilty for not being there for someone who is grieving and all alone? Sure. I know how awful it is to feel alone when you’re grieving, but he has made his own life choices, people. And besides, when someone is using my grieving to try to hook me up with someone so that they can vicariously date them, it’s sick! First of all, I don’t want to share my grief with somebody else – it’s mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. And, to be honest, I don’t want to share his. And you can’t make me! PERIOD.
So, to sum up: I need to eat more pesticides, stay away from farm boys, and block my mother’s emails.
Thank goodness for the existence of space. Otherwise, everyone would be in the same place and it would probably smell bad.
Rock on,
Ima D. Coy
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