Hobbies and Hanes

Today I thought I would browse the phonebook, the local papers, and some online sites to find some hobbies I could engage in during my incarceration. I was happy to see that there were horseback riding lessons not too far from where I am. Upon closer inspection of the advertisement, I discovered that the lessons include grooming the horse. Now, people, forgive me here, but why would I pay hundreds of dollars to brush a horse and pick dirt out of its hoofs? I can't believe that TammySue and BillyBob are actually getting people to pay THEM to take care of their horses. SUCKERS!

Oh, there's sky diving! How pretty would it be to sky dive over the lakes? Now the only problem I have with sky diving - seriously - is dying. Not from falling, but from a heart attack. I honestly believe that if anyone out there wants to do me in and not get busted for it, just get me to bungee jump or sky dive and I will go into cardiac arrest within the first 30 seconds of free falling. It's that easy folks.

I got bored with looking for hobbies pretty quickly and decided to stick with activities that would allow me to wear my Hanes all-cotton boxer shorts as part of my outfit. You see, I love them. I love the way they feel. They are soooo much more comfortable that regular shorts and regular women's underwear, if you ask me. I know, you didn't ask me. Whatever. I ruv 'em. I wear them jogging, swimming, biking, hiking, sleeping, bowling...It's too bad I can't use that front door on 'em, but I find that they slide up and down so easily that a trip to the bathroom is a genuinely pleasant and satisfying experience. Sometimes I pull them up and down for minutes on end just 'cuz it feels so good. What? And I know that people THINK that because they are underwear they should be worn under something...but people, please, have I ever cared? Uh, that would be a "no". I am the girl that embarrasses you by wearing long johns as pants to the pub in the middle of winter. I am the girl that takes off her high heels at the wedding and goes to the reception bare foot. And now, I am the girl that wears men's underwear as outerwear. I have them on right now in fact, and they feel GOOOOOOD!

And you know what? I am glad that I don't have to wear animal bones in my nose.

That's all for now, 'cuz Ima tired.

You know the number...

Fondly,

Ima P. Drinker