Gettin' Things Fixed

I have had to get some things fixed lately; fortunately, my attitude is not one of them. The first thing I had fixed was my mountain bike. Now, where do you suppose I took it? That's right, I took it to the bicycle repair shop. And why did I take it to the bicycle repair shop? That's right, because it's their business to repair bikes. So, I pulled my mountain bike up from the cellar, strapped her and her flat tires onto the back of my car, and then I drove her to the shop. When I got there, I lay her frame and the deflated tires at the saleswoman's feet and told her that I need the tires checked out and the bike fixed up to get her back on the road. The woman smiled sweetly in that, "I'm a Mormon" way, and asked, "Okay, so, let me get this straight, do you want to fix it yourself or do you want us to do that?" I stood there dumbfounded - my eyebrows hit the ceiling. Why the hell would I bring my bike to the bike REPAIR shop if I was going to fix it myself? Why, people? Why did she ask me that? I am SURE she was a Mormon!

Then, I emailed a Canon Online Repair Shop and I told them that my display window on the camera didn't show any images. "John D." from the online repair shop wrote back to me and asked if I had tried pushing the display button. What kind of an asinine question is that? Of course, I tried. Are people really so stupid that they HAVE to ask that question? It annoyed me so much that I emailed John back and said, "Why no, John, I didn't push the display button because it scares me." He replied that he didn't understand. I told him that I was afraid to touch it and then asked if I could just mail it to him so that he could try pushing the display button for me. He never got back to me. ???? Thanks a lot,John!

I have also had to fix MYSELF, people. After one hell of a year in Korea and making a very large number of mistakes (one of them being that I went to Korea), I am in a period of rebirth. In order to refresh and make a clean exit from this metaphorical womb, I have been given homework which, among many other activities, includes exercise, daily affirmations, and letting go of the past by forgiving those who have harmed me along the way (you know who you are). This is part of my homework for a healthy future. So, I run and do my affirmations daily. As I trot around the neighborhood I am supposed to repeat the same thing to myself repeatedly for 30 minutes. After 21 days - yes, that's right, 21 days - there is supposed to be a wonderful change that will take place in my life. So, for example, for 21 days I should say, "I am healthy and happy" and after 21 days I should be feeling pretty darn good and get a thumbs up from the doctor. Got it? Okay, so I've taken some initiative here and changed, "I am healthy and happy" to "I'm a lesbian." Just 20 more days to go! Let's cross our fingers, shall we?

In order to let go of the past, I have to listen to a meditative hypnotherapy tape where I picture those I need to forgive standing in front of me. You know, people like bullying family members, ex-lovers that never told me they had sexually transmitted diseases, my elementary school bowling team, etc. I usually just tie them all together and pour gasoline, I mean, forgive them all at once just to save time. It seems to be working. Shhh...it's going to be okay.

I also have to read books like "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Gottman and "Coming Apart: The Cure for a Broken Heart" by Kingma. My favorite one so far has been, "Getting Your Self-Esteem Back After Giving Your Heart Away to a Competitive, Spoiled, Lying, Self-Obsessed, Adolescent Who Thinks that Having a Relationship Means Finding a Trophy Girlfriend Who Will Dote on Him, Feed His Gigantic Ego, and Ask for Nothing in Return." That last one is my favorite because there is this neat little ritual involving a male doll, some pins, and a lighter. It's very healing. Oh, come on now. Shhh...calm down. Do you need a nap?

Okay, look, like I said, I am in the process of fixing things - I am not THERE yet. It's hard to be THERE when I am HERE. Then again, there really is no where else I should be right now and deep down I know that. At least I was starting to think that until my dear friend, Xenobia, dragged me to the local fairgrounds tonight. We are talking about ungodly displays of reptile-human breeding (oh yeah, and SOME of those were the exhibits, too), dirty carnies, and captivating events like watching pigs run through mazes. They funniest of all was one of the display cases which had numerous pieces of stale bread and cookies that had been entered into a cooking contest much, much earlier that day/week/month. Why would I want to look at fifteen different pieces of old bread? Am I SUPPOSED to want to do that? And they offered DEEP FRIED OREO COOKIES, folks. Now, if you read any of my previous blogs about the folks in these here parts, you know that the LAST THING these people need are DEEP FRIED OREOs! I'll just summarize by saying that the workers, the attendees (accept me and X), and the poor animals that were brought there from other countries all made me want to cry. No, really, I almost started bawling about ten minutes into it. I would have cried earlier but I was eating my fried dough with butter and cinnamon sugar on it (Hey, I CAN!). Look, I think it's great to have a festival where the less intellectually and socially inept can frolic and play; the fact is, mainstream folk like myself should not be treading on their turf...it's cruel. Therefore, because I care, and only because I care, I promise to never ever ever ever ever attend another local fair (someone will just have to go in and get the fried dough for me - oh yeah, and could you also pick up some lemonade?).

Well, that's enough pancreatic juice for tonight.

On a positive note: I am very happy that most people around here only have one head.

99,

Ima D. Lishuss